The Pasta pot- A short true story

Falling in love is rarely when we plan it. I fell in love when I didn’t want to. I wanted to be alone, enjoy my own company, plan trips without taking anyone else’s consent.

And that’s precisely what I was doing when a distinctive looking Chinese girl walked up to me and said that she wanted to consult my travel guide.

But it is in German I said to her. You won’t understand a thing unless you speak the language, I said dismissively and looked back into my book, hoping the intruder would just walk away.
The language doesn’t matter she said.
I looked up at her in complete shock.! How would she read a book in a language she doesn’t understand? Strange girl, I thought but I offered her my guide without saying anything. I was intrigued to find out what she would do with it.

She wasn’t even half my size, both in height and width. She was turning the pages when she asked me where I had planned to go next.
That’s intrusive I thought. I haven’t decided yet, I said.
Here, she said while handing over the book to me. Decide where you would go, if I like your decision, maybe I will go with you.
That was a shocker! She was not only strange but also determined to not leave me alone. I wanted her gone, so to put her off I said, I just wanted to grab a coffee and loiter around this area.
That sounds like a plan, I am in, she said.
She’s in!?! When did I invite her to join me?

As intrusive as she was, she was also intriguing. The true German in me wanted to tell her to walk her own way and leave me alone but I guess since I was traveling alone in a foreign land my sense of adventure was high. I would never meet her again and I have nothing to lose, I told myself. I got up from the pavement and decided to walk around the colosseum, she walked with me and spoke constantly in her peculiar Chinese accented English.

Every word she spoke made my belief in her strangeness stronger, every sentence we exchanged made her more interesting. I wasn’t sure if she had a great sense of humour or was plain stupid. Was she making all these stories up or was she telling the truth? Was she really this opinionated or was she trying to prove something? My internal dialogue became louder than our external one and I didn’t realise when I had stopped talking.

Where do you plan to go tomorrow? I heard in the periphery.
Hey, hallo, where you do you plan to go tomorrow? Someone was saying.
It was only when I felt the tap on my arm that I realised that the voice was talking to me.
I don’t know I said, maybe I spend the day at Piazza Navona. What do you plan to do?
I have plans in the morning with my friends but I could meet you for lunch at the Piazza, she said.

For lunch we both ordered a vongole. Pasta was my comfort food but this one was exquisit with seafood in it. For her it was foreign food where as for me if was my staple. My office cafeteria served a pasta almost thrice a week. At home my pasta pot was the second most used utensil. Not in my wildest dream had I imagined that the pasta pot would be replaced by the rice cooker in a year's time.

A few years later, the pasta pot become so redundant that I gave it away to my wife's best friend who was setting up a new house. Our entire family enjoys a traditional hot Chinese meal every evening now, me, my wife, my mother and our almost two year old daughter.

Mid-Life crisis- 7 ways to deal

One beautiful October afternoon, I sat with a cup of perfect coffee in my balcony facing the forest. The filtered sunrays created pictures better than any artist could. The squirrel played hide and seek with me or was she playing with her mate? It was all so picturesque, seemed so perfect.

Yet what I felt within me was far from perfection. What have I achieved in the past years? Is being a mom, all there is to me? What about the years of education and work experience I gathered! Has it all gone down the drain? Can I face the 'job-world' now? Do I even have it in me anymore? What is the real point of me? What I am going to do next? My child is all settled in her school, she doesn't need me so much anymore. Has my prime truly passed? Is this all there is to me? How would I ever lose all the weight that I have gained?

That's what was going inside of me- questions, doubts, fears, anxieties and nerves. The more perfect the outside seemed, the more fears filled me from within. For a few days I forced myself to believe that these were more existential questions than self-doubt, and still I couldn't let the inner sinking pass. I finally decided to speak to someone, so here I am, she said.

I am sure the above narration feels familiar to most of us. The feelings, the questions, the self-doubt and the fears are what particularly defines a 'Midlife crisis'. In my practice I often meet women, especially mothers who are going through this phase. Midlife crisis is usually categorized as a negative state but it doesn't have to be, I always tell them. Here I am sharing the top 7 tips, that I share with my clients. Hope they help you pass through challenging phase.

1. Acknowledge the crisis- Denying the crisis is the biggest mistake we make. Acknowledge your feelings, experience and accept them. Don't let yourself believe that not thinking about the fears makes them go away. They don't. Pushing your self-doubt under the carpet makes it bigger than it is. It gives more power to the doubts. Greet your feelings. That way you can address them. Facing it is the first step to change.

2. See the complete picture- Especially when we are down and out, we burden ourselves with the thought that mommyhood is our only identity. This saddens us to no limit. The truth is that it isn't. Being a mother is just a part of who you are. It isn't the whole. It is an important part, some may even say that it is the most important part of you, and yet there is more to you than that. You are a person with many facets, many moods and interests-never let yourself forget that. Befriend those other personalities within you again. Complete yourself by focusing on your complete self.

3. Try New Things- We can't expect different results if we keep repeating the same actions. Midlife crisis is a perfect time to move out of your comfort zone. Try new things, new ways and new approaches to the same situation. Get a new hobby, do something that challenges your comfort zone. Discover a new you. How else would you befriend the whole of you anyway?

4. Jump at the chance to change- Since you are already in a contemplative state, why not use it to the best of your advantage? Why not ride the wave and make the changes within you that you have so deeply desired. The crisis-like feeling can help you face your inner demons. If you can face them, then you would get to now then. Once you know them, then winning over them is easy. All you need to do is to decide to do it. Take that course you have dreamt of, start exercising, seek help... just be ready to take the first few steps and the rest will be worth it.

5. One step at a time- Once you decide to take the first few steps, it is also important to remember to take each day as it comes. Take one step at a time. All transformations happen step by step. Don't focus on the mountain that you plan to climb, rather focus on the next move. That's it. Define small and achievable goals for yourself. When we achieve something (doesn't matter if it is big or small), we are instantly motivated to achieve more. Smaller goals will help you remain on your path to self-discovery by keeping you motivated.

6. Talk to someone- Never let yourself hide. Especially when you feel low. Reach out, connect, talk, share!  You would be surprised to know how many of us are going through this at the same time, seek support. Someone may have passed this phase already and they would have many tips for you to sail through it as well, seek guidance. If you feel talking to friends isn't enough then meet a professional. There are counsellors and coaches who have been trained to make it easier for you. Give them a chance.

7. Appreciate what you have- No matter how low you feel, you are still lucky to have what you have. Appreciate it. Gratitude will take you a long way.  Be thankful to yourself for creating such an array of experiences for yourself. Be thankful to life for providing you with the opportunity. Be thankful for your body, for it is the only instrument through which you are capable of experiencing life. Be thankful to your mind for being so perceptive to feelings. You have a lot more to be thankful for than you realise. When you truly realise all that is going for you, it would be easier for you to embrace the changes life has to offer.

Midlife crisis may not actually occur at midlife. In fact, it may not be a crisis at all. Any major change can be a stressor- change of career, country, marital status, parenthood.. anything. Just promise yourself to work with yourself at the right time and don't wait for it to become too big. And remember, we all have difficult phases that seem like the end, just like the caterpillar feels before it turns into a butterfly.

Are 'You' lost?

With every relationship that doesn't work, we leave a bit of ourselves behind. With every new role we take up, we change and hence altering a bit of ourselves forever. With every battle we lose, we end up losing another precious piece of who we are. Losing ourselves bit by bit, gradually and slowly happens to most of us and it often ends up making us sad. Very sad.

Almost 4  months ago, A client walked into my coaching practice with her beautiful baby. Her only aim with Life Coaching, was to find herself back. She was a smart, educated, well-traveled, accomplished, married mother who had lost herself in the sea of all the roles she was playing.

Disconnected with herself- is what she constantly felt. Sad and angry were her only two modes of operation at that time. At a rule book level, she had it all- a family, great career, health, money, friends & a social life. Ironically, these very things were making her feel lost. She said that she misses her old self dearly. She just wanted to be 'herself' again.

While she spoke, she reminded me of 'me' from a few years ago. After a personal tragedy, I was lost. My dreams were shattered, my plans didn't work, I questioned each relationship I had, everything was going wrong and it was too painful. The easiest escape was to lose myself, so I chose that route. It made me numb and passing through this said phase became easier.

The grief of losing 'me' hit me only once the pain had passed.

Who had I become? What did I like now? Who were my friends? Did I have any? My questions were similar to those of my client.

I wanted to be alone. Mainly because I couldn't trust those around me. Almost all the people I had expected to stand by me, were gone. It is only on the hind side that I realise, they were just playing their roles to get me to search for myself again. They forced me to think, to introspect and eventually to realise that maybe I had managed to lose a huge chunk of who I was. My reactions back then were different than my clients'. I oscillated between mistrust and disbelief.

Sadness, anger, mistrust, disbelief- no matter what our reactions were-they all pointed to the one thing in us- grief of losing ourselves. We reacted to them differently, we acted it out differently, our observable behaviour was poles apart, yet our core feeling was the same. We had lost touch with who we truly were.

Not knowing who I was left me with two choices-
a) was to numb myself further- this would have made the journey easier in the short run but it would have made sure that it was an almost worthless journey.
b) was to find out who I was now- this was a tougher and a way more rewarding path.

Thankfully, I chose the second option. I started spending time in exploring the new 'me'. It was the perfect time to rediscover myself. I had not truly lost any parts of me, I had just rejected them for not fitting into my preset mould of 'me'. It did not match the image I had created for myself.

The grief would have come back if I had decided to reject the parts of me that were different now, so I decided to embrace them. I was on a wonderful journey of self-discovery and self- acceptance. This has been the most rewarding journey that I have ever been on. So many years later, I am still continuing my travel and have been luckily able to guide many fellow travellers through it.

Losing myself helped me find my new best friend-ME.

I learnt that with every new relationship we form, we create a new self and this new self is as much us as the other part who just likes to snuggle alone on the sofa. It is just a different part.
I discovered that I did not need to lose myself in a new relationship, I just had to embrace the relationship as a teacher, as a reflection and as a new platform to get to know myself more deeply.

Losing ourselves could be our biggest blessing because it is the only way we can find, the only way we can grow. Often, we gain the most by losing. 

5 ways to #minga

Sitting on the Dubai airport floor, I hit jackpot and found something of immense value for free- Wifi. I logged in and the first thing I did was to change my 'current city' on Facebook from 'New Delhi' to 'Munich'. It was only after, that I messaged my husband about sitting on the gate for my connecting flight to him. 

That was almost 5 years ago. In these 5 years life has changed in innumerable ways. I possibly can't list all the changes but here are the top 5 things I realised. The ways in which Minga changed me.

1. Exercise can be free. From going to paid yoga classes and a yearly subscription at the gym, I graduated to free exercise- walking. In this city, almost everyone walks. From home to the grocery store (there aren't any free home delivery stores here like we had back home, not without a minimum order atleast) from there to the Ubahn station, from Ubahn station to the Tram stop, from there to the Bus, from Sendinger Tor to Marienplatz.... one just walks. Those who have difficulty walking use adult walkers that allows them to rest when they are tired but still they walk!

The intensity of the-walking-love dawned upon me when in my early days here, I asked a German neighbor if she would like to go for a coffee date with me. She refused. Point blank. She said 'No' but we can go for a walk instead!!!!!!

Waking is free+Walking is an exercise= free exercise. So now I save money every month!! That's how I #minga.

2. Honesty ≠ rudeness. After my encounter with my neighbor, I stopped asking people out on coffee dates, I asked them out on walks instead. It was cheaper and healthier but that wasn't the only thing I learnt from my neighbor. 

One day I baked an Apple cinnamon cake and decided to share a slice with her. I sprinkled it with some more cinnamon sugar, added a swirl of chocolate to it. I made it look like a michelin star chef had baked it. I knocked on her door and smiled the brightest when I offered her the slice of pure heaven. She looked at the plate, then looked at me and said 'No'!!!! Yet another no. She added later that she was on a diet but that didn't mean she could be rude, I thought. I turned around with a red embarrased/hurt/angry face and thought that truly Germans were the rudest race. 

I was WRONG!!! In time I learn that they were honest, brutally honest and that is so much better than sugar coated sweetness. Would it have been better if she had taken the cake and dumped it in the dustbin because of her diet? Instead she made sure that me and my friends enjoyed one more slice. That's how she taught me that honesty is not equal to rudeness. That's how they #minga.

3. When in Germany, do the German. Another story of my early days in Munich- I wanted to bake my first cake and went shopping for the ingredients. I asked the guy at the store for Vanilla several times. I used hands, gestures, talking slowly.. everything that I could think of. I had Google translated the Vanilla to Vanille at home but somehow forgot to end it with an 'E' at the store. The man refused to understand. I came back empty handed that day. 

There isn't much difference between the English and the German name for that bean. Without the sweetness of my cake, the bitter truth became clearer- I couldn't survive in the country without the local language.

BOY, is it a difficult language to master or what! I still haven't mastered it but I have gone from Vanilla bean to Vanilleschote. I can't remember the English word for a kinderwagon, I sometimes confuse between the English Brief and the German one and I have gone from 'Ein Bier' to 'Ich möchte gerne ein Bier haben'. 

That's how I have #minga-ed. 

4. Bier is holier-than-thou. Life was so difficult when I came to this country as a GNT/white wine girl. I didn't have many choices of drinks that were affordable when I went out. Having a Gin and Tonic meant paying for 2 things separately. Buying water was more expensive than buying Beer. What other choice did I have but to convert!! Radler became my saviour. Not purely beer yet acceptable and available everywhere.

I have learnt so much since then. In Germany, Beer is better than medicine. If I were here when I was 16, I didn't have to hide while tasting the beer the way I did back home. When I don't know what to have for breakfast, I always have the choice of having flüssiges Brot (liquid bread/ Beer). While I was still breast-feeding my little angel, someone told me that an alcohol-free Weiss beer would make more milk flow through my glands. And the final blow as to how 'German' I had become over the years was when I asked the nurse in Maistrasse post surgery, "ich habe viel durst, darf ich bitte ein Radler haben?.'(I am very thirsty, may I please have a Radler?) Mind you, I was still partially under the effect of anesthesia when I said this. I had immediately slipped into unconsciousness post uttering my desire. That's how I continued to #minga.

5. A friend from each country. I forgot to mention above- Beer also makes it easier to make friends. And what does Munich/Minga do? It helps by making sure that we can make friends from each country of the world. The diversity within this tiny-big-village is so enriching. Tourists and expats are always in sufficient supply. They are usually open to new friends since they are also trying to form their tribe here.

I always wanted to learn from different cultures, experience their festivals, taste their food, try on their clothes, work with them. Thanks to this city, I could. I could be foreign and yet I could be local. I could be different and yet I could be similar. I could be an Indian and yet in parts I could be German or American or Spanish or Arabic or from whichever country I made friends from. I have made friends on the train station, I have had interesting conversations in cafes, I have connected to people in expat events, I have some locals as friends. 

I am far from having one friend from each country but I know I could there if I wanted to in Munich. That's how Minga #mingas  

By the way, my coffeedate-and-cake-refusing-ex-German-neighbor is one of my closest friends now. She truly helped me experience minga. 

Gratitude.. leading by example

The city I stay in is a paradise for public transport. To get from anywhere to everywhere, there is always a train or a tram or a bus available. Naturally I use it on a regular basis and every time when I get off the bus, I say thank you to the driver.

For driving of the bus may be a part of the job, but it is a job that helps me reach places. It is a process that helps me make memories, try new restaurants, meet my friends, visit sick relatives in hospitals, go shopping or for my fitness class and so much more.

I use the bus to pick up my child from the day care and everyday when I pick up my child, I thank each one of the caretakers I meet. I know they get compensated for taking care of the children but what they do is so much more valuable than their remuneration. They make sure the most precious person in my life remains happy and safe throughout the day. They make sure she is fed and rested. There are no amount of thank-yous that I can say that would be enough for the service they provide.

I always express my gratitude to people who hold doors for me or offer to help me down the stairs with the pram when the lift isn't working. I make it a point to say thank-you to car drivers who break their momentum for me to cross the road and to each person I encounter during the day for every act of kindness they carry out. Yet I have never forced my daughter to say Thank you. I always suggest it but when she refuses, I don't push her. 

Not because I don't want her to know her manners but because I want her to feel the gratitude before expressing it. I strongly believe that if we truly 'feel' something within then we will do it for life with all our heart but if we carry out an act just because we are told to, chances are we will quit the practice at the first given opportunity.

Understanding and feeling is the key to gratidute, not forcing. I often explain to her how happy the other person would feel if they know that their act and effort is appreciated. I also mention how their one act impacts our life and beliefs in so many ways. Sometimes she nods as if she understands it all at other times she doesn't react. Her non-reaction is fine since I hope she understands and feels first. Expression would just be the next and equally important step. 

She has asked me on a few occasions why I thanked someone and I always explain how I think they helped us. I repeatedly add how grateful I feel and sharing my gratitude with the others helps us all. Nothing more, no suggestions for her personally. Internally I hope that she learns by example. 

She is all of 3 and I am not sure if it is too soon to expect anything.

And then one weekend afternoon she wakes up from her nap with a yellow stuffed Giraffe in her hand, the one that I had bought for myself much before she was born. 

She runs into my arms with her eyes partially closed, it is too bright for her tiny eyes. 

She says- Amma, I want to thank you. 

Astonished, touched and confused, I say- that's so sweet but why do you want to thank me? 

She says- because you bought this giraffe for yourself. 

I am still confused so ask her to explain further

She says-Since you got it, we have it at home, and because you are sharing it with me, I get to play with it too. 

A tight hug in return was my truest expression of gratutide to her.