When are you a mom?

You are a mom when you sway unconsciously all the time- with or without your baby in your arms

You are a mom when you wake up several times in the middle of the night to feed, only to realise that the little one is sleeping blissfully.

You are a mom when the color of poop is more important than the color of your clothes

You are a mom when going for a walk requires an hour's preparation.

You are a mom when that preparation doesn't bother you.

You are a mom when the sound of your nursing baby is sweeter than the pain in your nipples.

You are a mom when the sounds of burps give you joy.

You are a mom when you talk to your 10 week old in the public transport without bothering what the others think.

You are a mom when you make songs out of nothing at all because your baby smiles when you sing.

You are a mom when you think the best accessory while stepping out is your baby.

You are a mom when you know your baby is beautiful because she is made with and of love.

7 life lessons that my 7 day old daughter has taught me

1. Trust- She taught me to trust. Like any other pregnant woman, there were days when I was anxious if all is well with my pregnancy. There were days when she was lazy and did not kick or move so much, then there were days when she moved a lot and both these kinds of days just made me wonder if all was well with her. The only constant thought with all these doubts was trust. I somehow knew that if I lost trust, I would loose a battle with my negative thoughts. My husband too, just told me one thing constantly “We need to trust that what whatever happens, we can handle it.” That made sense! Eventually it is about trusting our own abilities, right? Trust helped me go through almost 36 hours of excruciating labor and it was trust that helped me pick up a few minutes old little girl confidently. That is the first and the most important lesson I have learnt from her.

2. Vulnerability is important- As a tiny baby, she is the most vulnerable thing there can ever be and somehow that makes us care for her more. It makes us more protective and this vulnerability makes sure that all her needs are met. Sometimes we just want to show we are strong, even though we may not be feeling so from within, I don't know why. We are, as humans, far too fearful of our vulnerability. I think we underestimate it. How will we change if we never feel vulnerable? We are allowed to be weak and vulnerable, that's what makes us human. She has taught me to embrace my vulnerability.

3. Ask for what you need- My little baby, like all the other babies, follows a simple principle- she simply asks for what she needs, No ego, no thinking again, no manipulating words and covert thoughts. Even with her current communication skills limited to crying, her communication is far more clear than most adults I know. She has taught me the importance of saying what you feel. To trust that I will be heard and that even if I feel weak, it is ok.

4. Prioritise- I have learnt within a week of motherhood that not all people in our lives deserve the amount of importance we give them. Sometimes those we consider family are the farthest away from us. I,now have a limited amount of free time and I would rather invest that time in relationships that are equal and not just one sided. Even relationships that are full of expectations or simply just formalities are a big 'No' for me.

5. We are eventually all alone- Yes, it may sound strange coming from a new mother but it is true. Other's may or may not be there for us. We still have to learn all our lessons. When my little girl cries because of gas in her tiny tummy, me or her father can only try to help her. We can only do as much as we know, still the relief is her's, if she gets it or if she continues to cry in a loop, we can't do anything till the time she decides to stop, no matter how much we pat her or hold her. It's her pain, her lesson and her learning. 

6. Smiling can make someone's day- I don't know if she is truly smiling at me or just to herself but her smile swells my heart. I am known to smile a lot but my little angel adds a whole new meaning to it. I have learnt to smile more, smile often and smile with all my heart.

7. Perfection is subjective- She has taught me that perfection too, is very subjective. What is perfect for me may not be for the next person. My parenting style may be perfect for me and completely wrong for someone else. 'She' is perfect for me but for someone else her nose may be funny, her cheeks too chubby or her name not too good. It does not make her less perfect for me, nor does it make her perfect for someone else. 

Thanks my darling for coming into our lives with all the love, lessons and tenderness. 

Big pleasures from tiny smiles

This is the story of Toru and his brother. We met them last year in a village in Mandi region in India. We were on a family vacation and were driving some 30 kms. from where we stayed, just to shop. That's when we spotted a small boy in a blue shirt and a red sweater, asking for lift. We were just 4 adults in a big, fancy car, so it was easy to accommodate two little boys. 

We stopped, they hopped-in happily and smiled shyly. The next 15 minutes spent with them were entertaining and enlightening at the same time. 

I ask- 'Aapka naam kya hai?' (What is your name?)

He says- Toru

I smile, It is an unusual name that I have never heard before and sounds like a vegetable that I love-Tori 

He says (pointing to the other boy sitting next to him)- 'mere bhai ka naam Ramprasad hai, acha hai na?' (My brother's name is Ramprasad, Isn't it nice?)

(I couldn't stop my laughter. His question was so pure and so innocent, he was so proud of his brother and his brother's name. I envied him for a moment. I didn't even have the guts to ask anyone if my name was nice, let alone my brother or sister.)

I smile and say- "Bahut acha hai" (It is very nice)

He is delighted. Next I ask Toru- 'Kaunsi class mein padhte ho?' (Which class are you in?)

Toru- "Main doosri mein aur mera bhai teesri mein" (I am in 2nd standard and my brother is in the 3rd)

Ramprasad is just smiling shyly in the background. 

Me-- "Do you like going to school?"

Toru- Yes, I like studying. We both walk to school everyday and sometimes take a lift too.

Me- What do you want to be when you grow up?

Toru- I want to be a business man just like my father. He owns a shop. He sells sweets, chips and cigarettes. 

Me- Thats sounds nice.

Toru- Yes, but my shop would be bigger. I would make more money and I would buy a car.

Me- Which car do you want to buy?

Toru- A van or a Maruti, Red one.  

(I thought of all the children around me, how many of them had such clear goals? How many actually realised the value of education? Would even one child that I know personally, be willing to walk several miles to school everyday? In fact, how many of us are half as proud of our families as this little boy is, may it be his brother or his father?) A short meeting with a young village boy had raised so many questions in my head. And I am still seeking the answers..

Me- That sounds really nice. Can I take a picture of the two of you?

Toru (all excited)- Mobile sey? (Will you take it with your mobile phone?)

Me- Yes.

Toru- Le lo didi (Please take it) 

And he gave me the cutest smile and so did the otherwise shy Ramprasad :) :D :)

Saas-bahu aur saazish

Did you ever dream of finding the perfect partner in life? Fantasise about being married to him? Most of us, as teenage girls have a common dream for when we grow up- to find the right partner. (Yes, I may be sounding very stereotypical to some of you, not talking about a career but a man.) We build many stories and hopes around 'him.' We want 'him' to be supportive in all our endeavours, loving, romantic, he must have a sense of humour etc. etc. etc. 

In this rosy romantic fantasy, we never put into account the reality of it or the grounding factor- our 'in-laws.' They don't feature in any of our fantasies because that would turn them into nightmares. We all grow up believing that these people are there to judge us, tell us where we are wrong, to help us 'adjust' better into their home setup, and help (read push) us 'change' to suit their image of a bahu (daughter-in-law). All in all, they are villains. 

When I grew up I realised that to my utter surprise most of it is true in almost 80% of the cases. Doesn't matter if you are a working women or a housewife, you will face the same fate- JUDGEMENT. When a women gets married, she moves to a completely new and alien environment where she needs love, support, patience and comfort to even start feeling at home. What she gets instead is new responsibilities that she may or may not understand, criticism and judging glares. Astonishingly most of these will be coming from the mother-in-law or the sister's- in-law (both women themselves.)

As a woman I can just about imagine what the daughter-in-laws must be going through. In my recent conversations with most of them I have been flabbergasted, frustrated or even angry. And no, the anger is not completely directed towards the so called in-laws, it is also towards these women who at some deeper level believe that this is their fate, this is what they deserve and hence they make all possible attempts to change to suit what the beloved husband or his parents want. They cook, clean, eat and dress according to what is acceptable to the beloved and his family. For some reason they believe 'Love' makes them do so !!!! 

I don't want to sound like 'mahila mukti morcha' but at some level the women need freedom and acceptance- mainly from themselves. The responsibility comes back on to us, if we don't have a strong sense of what is right or wrong for us, if we can't define our priorities then how can we blame someone else? We need to be sure of our self-image and our personality. If we like ourselves, chances are the others will too (eventually ;)). Don't fight over everything to define your independence but be sure and strong. Aggression is not the answer and neither is submission. The only answer lies in respecting our needs.

Eventually how you feel is how you would bring up your children, who in turn will form the society and future norms. If you feel suppressed then that is the reality you are creating for your child too. 

(I am ever thankful to God for the kind of in-laws I have been given. The rare 20% who respect a woman for being who she is, who don't judge on the basis of clothing or cooking or any of those things and most of all, who have taught my husband to respect women and treat them as equals because that's what they are- equals.) 

The only expenditure that makes you RICHER

Do we all desire money?

NOPE !! What we desire is what the money can do for us, the things it can help us buy, the possessions it brings us. That's all we desire. What would you do with a load of printed paper or a few metal pieces if it could get you nothing in return? 

That's why I say the most important thing money can give us are travel tickets, followed by money for hotel/guest houses/hostel stays and entry fees. The Only expenditure that makes you richer is what you spend on travelling.

Travelling is not only about seeing new places and putting a tick mark on your list of places visited, travelling is about experiencing a new culture, meeting new people, soaking in the traditions. It gives us the experiences that no one can take away, it enriches our soul, creates beautiful memories and helps us grow. It makes us richer. Travelling is not only about visiting different countries (though some have that privilege), it is about new places. Cities, towns, villages, zilla, anything. Coming from a huge country like India and claiming to be an avid traveller I can easily claim that no matter how much I travel within my own country (or any for that matter) I can never see the whole of it. There are always unexplored places. That's why I am always planning the next trip ;)

In fact if you think about it, travelling is not only about travelling. It is about our attitude, our planning skills, our research skills, implementation skills or even our photography skills ;) It is about economics, art, logic, mathematics, language, science, and sense of responsibility. Can you think of any other activity that is so much fun and yet involves everything we learnt at school? (I always wondered why we studied those boring, good for nothing subjects, until I wrote this article).

Never in my life had I imagined that I would have personal and native itinerary planners for each country I want to visit. I can take tips about Spain, Italy, Croatia, China,Mexico or even Iceland for that matter from people who belong to those countries. I know that they would guide me  to the best of their knowledge because they are not travel agents but my personal friends. And the only reason I have all these friends is because we (read me and my husband) are always open to travel and are always open to meet new people (read STRICTLY & ONLY ME).

See, travelling makes you richer with friends too :-) 

I can go on and on about it but that would make this post really boring for you, so I will do you and myself a favour. I will stop writing and plan my next holiday !!! :D :D :D