Saas-bahu aur saazish

Did you ever dream of finding the perfect partner in life? Fantasise about being married to him? Most of us, as teenage girls have a common dream for when we grow up- to find the right partner. (Yes, I may be sounding very stereotypical to some of you, not talking about a career but a man.) We build many stories and hopes around 'him.' We want 'him' to be supportive in all our endeavours, loving, romantic, he must have a sense of humour etc. etc. etc. 

In this rosy romantic fantasy, we never put into account the reality of it or the grounding factor- our 'in-laws.' They don't feature in any of our fantasies because that would turn them into nightmares. We all grow up believing that these people are there to judge us, tell us where we are wrong, to help us 'adjust' better into their home setup, and help (read push) us 'change' to suit their image of a bahu (daughter-in-law). All in all, they are villains. 

When I grew up I realised that to my utter surprise most of it is true in almost 80% of the cases. Doesn't matter if you are a working women or a housewife, you will face the same fate- JUDGEMENT. When a women gets married, she moves to a completely new and alien environment where she needs love, support, patience and comfort to even start feeling at home. What she gets instead is new responsibilities that she may or may not understand, criticism and judging glares. Astonishingly most of these will be coming from the mother-in-law or the sister's- in-law (both women themselves.)

As a woman I can just about imagine what the daughter-in-laws must be going through. In my recent conversations with most of them I have been flabbergasted, frustrated or even angry. And no, the anger is not completely directed towards the so called in-laws, it is also towards these women who at some deeper level believe that this is their fate, this is what they deserve and hence they make all possible attempts to change to suit what the beloved husband or his parents want. They cook, clean, eat and dress according to what is acceptable to the beloved and his family. For some reason they believe 'Love' makes them do so !!!! 

I don't want to sound like 'mahila mukti morcha' but at some level the women need freedom and acceptance- mainly from themselves. The responsibility comes back on to us, if we don't have a strong sense of what is right or wrong for us, if we can't define our priorities then how can we blame someone else? We need to be sure of our self-image and our personality. If we like ourselves, chances are the others will too (eventually ;)). Don't fight over everything to define your independence but be sure and strong. Aggression is not the answer and neither is submission. The only answer lies in respecting our needs.

Eventually how you feel is how you would bring up your children, who in turn will form the society and future norms. If you feel suppressed then that is the reality you are creating for your child too. 

(I am ever thankful to God for the kind of in-laws I have been given. The rare 20% who respect a woman for being who she is, who don't judge on the basis of clothing or cooking or any of those things and most of all, who have taught my husband to respect women and treat them as equals because that's what they are- equals.)