Life is about...

                                                                                        (The image is downloaded from the internet)


Life isn't about how many people you acquaint,
It is how many really know you.
It isn't about branded bags,
It is about giggles and bear hugs.
It isn't about a posh address,
It is about a space you can call home.

Life is about happiness rather than hoarding.
It is about being authentic rather than being liked by hundreds.
It is about loving rather than judging.
It is about trusting and taking chances
it is about being who you are.
It is about embracing and accepting the devil in you, because there exists one.

It is about talking to strangers and helping without wanting returns.
Yet it isn't about being taken for a ride.
It is about knowing your boundaries
and not letting others define or deny them.
It is about not letting others waste your time for you,
and the complete freedom to waste it yourself if you please.
It is about listening to the music you like and running like an elated child.
Life is about the tiny precious moments and stolen kisses.

Life isn't about this poem or a hundred others you read,
it is about what you feel when you read them.

Snowflake

I tasted a snowflake today

It tasted of giggles and of dreams.

It secretly slid into my mouth and melted

As I walked through the street singing.

It caught me by surprise and filled me with hope.

It reminded me that life was more than what happens.

That hard work and risks were needed too.

It made me want more and do more.

I opened my mouth again in hope of another one falling on my tongue,

as I walked to the end of the street.

I tasted a snowflake today.

The unfulfilled mother

I wrote this back in 2012 while recovering physically and emotionally from child-loss. For those of you who don't know, I lost my first baby in the 6th month of pregnancy. Since it was so late in the pregnancy, I had to deliver the baby vaginally. Post delivery I physically went through everything a new mother does- bleeding for days together, lactation and leaking breasts for weeks and pain. Emotionally I can never explain what I went through but my writing helped me cope. Guess it was too painful to share at that time.

To say I got over it would be a lie, how can one get over a child? But I have healed enough to share.
                                                   

                      The Unfulfilled mother

I am not a poet or an author, I am an unfulfilled mother
I am not as whole as I thought, I am maybe just a quarter.

I am not as brave and strong as I am showing the world
when I am alone in an alien bedroom, I am all wet and curled.

I am not as big a person as I thought I was
I still get angry and feel pain for an unknown cause.

I am not as pretty and beautiful as you might think
I actually bleed and leak,
Everyday I think I'll grow but in fact I shrink.

If this seems like a poem to you, then please just don't bother
because this is just my pain as I am an unfulfilled mother.

06/06/2012

Upcycle- reuse- rehome-second hand

Does it pinch you deep down when someone gives you something old & used that they don't need anymore? You would have definitely bought it's brand new counter-part because you need it, yet does it hurt to get something already used? Do you buy everything new, use it a couple of times and replace it? I guess because money isn't an issue for you. 

As for me, I know people who have questioned the intentions of others, behind passing on their old stuff. 'Do they want to show how rich they are?' 'We have enough money to buy new, we don't need your old.' 'I still have my dignity intact.'

Somehow using something already used by someone else makes us feel inferior within. I personally don't understand why our sense of superiority governs our life so much. If we have money then we have a right to waste. Buy and throw or wear a dress just once and dump it somewhere never to be found. I know someone who stores each and everything they buy, things they would never use again, clothes they can never fit into, and store it in places that even look suffocating because of how much they are stuffed, yet they keep buying. I know a few who find it below their dignity to share or exchange clothes, shoes and household items. I know people who cook fresh food everyday and throw whats left at the end of the day in the dustbin. I know people who order too much at restaurants and always leave their plates unfinished. I know people who don't teach their children how to only take as much in their plates that they can finish. I actually know of a Guru who teaches people in his abundance workshop to leave(read waste) food in their plates so that their mind's start believing that there is abundance.  And I am sure that you too know such people. Maybe you are one of them. 

I just have one thing to say to you or 'them'- You have money, but the resources of the earth are limited.                                                                      

                                                     
                                                        PLEASE DON'T WASTE .

Buying things you don't need has an impact on the environment. Cooking more than you can eat and throwing the rest impacts earth, each grain of rice you throw took more than 6 months to hard-work and labour to grow. It took so much from the soil that we can never return or replace. Each thing you buy and just store creates a demand to produce and supply more, a false demand at that. 

Each one of us can take simple steps in everyday life to stop abusing the environment. I try too. Here is my list of 10 things that I try to do.
I share because I hope it helps and I too can get some ideas from you all.

1. I, as a rule, don't buy new toys for my child.  She has plenty to play with because everyone who comes to meet a child, only brings either toys, closes or candies. There are hand me downs from her older cousins and IF I buy something then it is always second-hand. I buy second-hand without any shame because I know I am helping the environment.

2. I cook as much as we can eat and I freeze the rest. When I was in India, I would share our food with the house help but NEVER threw it. I know some of you are against freezing but I am sure you can find your own ways to not waste if you decide so.

3. I close the tap while I brush, I don't leave the water running while I wash the dishes and I let my child enjoy her baths, without a tap constantly running and wasting water. These are simple things and we don't realise them unless we start paying attention. Try and notice how often you leave the water on while you are still scrubbing the utensils or brushing your teeth.

4. I use as little paper-towel, cling film and aluminium foil as I can. I prefer using boxes with lids to store things and instead of paper towels I try and use reusable, washable options. 

5. I tell everyone who cares enough to ask me NOT TO BUY PLASTIC toys for my child.  My child and me would be happier with your company, blessings and time. In case you absolutely have to buy something then get her books or wooden toys. Get us stuff to eat. We LOVE food.

6. Every year I plant trees.  I have asked my cousin for help in planting trees, I have paid organisations that plant and care for plants and trees, I have done whatever little I can. I am sure you can too. If we simply say that we will do it then we tend to forget. I have a plan to avoid that, plan to plant on a special day like for me I always plant trees on my child's Birthday.

8. I almost never put my phone on vibration mode. It consumes way too much energy.

9. I segregate as much of the household waste as I can. Putting it in separate bins is not a lot of effort once you start doing it. I can't stop using things but I can at least make sure that they are recycled.

10. I love exchanging clothes with my friends. That I way I get a new wardrobe without spending anything. I also very happily except hand-me-downs.

Do you think you can adopt any of these? I would be happy if you do. I would be happier if you share more tips with me as well.

Let's make a change. let's be grateful, let's be better.

The revealing gown

                                                                                                                             

             

                                                                                                                             

                                                                                                                                        31st July 2016

The sound and sight of rain, sitting in the balcony with pots of red and white gorgeous flowers, garden full of different shades of green, a strong tea in a white ceramic mug, a book full of romance- what else could I ask for?

Dressed in a white gown with delicate blue and red print on it, a little too revealing for my taste though. Pristine white stockings to match, fitting a little too perfectly. Almost irritating my knee joints by their stubbornness to fit so well. Just next to me is a charming little chapel which apart from listening to silent prayers, also keeps me informed about the hour of the day.

While I walk through the corridors here, I see works of art that were completed back in 1911. I hear the fountain through my window from 8 a.m. till the late evening- the soothing sound of water. Occasionally I hear a baby cry, but isn't a sad cry. It is the cry of joy, the cry of life.
I hear so much and yet I hear so little. Sometimes, the silence here is so deep that the occasional sounds of beeps, sound almost critical.

The nights are usually calm. I sleep blissfully with an awareness that there would be an angel watching over me. She would visit me several times during the night just to make sure that I am Ok.
During the day I am always surrounded by people who love me. They keep me entertained and distracted.

Some days pass in a blink, I don't even realise how many hours have passed. Some days are slow, each second seems like a lifetime. On such days the angels tell me that tomorrow will be a better day. It gets better with each passing day. I trust them.

I trust them completely. I trusted them enough for letting them violate my body. I gave them written permission for it.

Room no.- 236
Post-surgery care
Frauenklinik (Women's hospital),
Maistrasse 11,
80337 Munich
Germany

I am not a girl every girl gets along with

She is strong and somewhat fearless,
She laughs out loud
She accepts and loves
She gets along with the men as well
She is unapologetic about who she is

She gets angry
She doesn't try to please
She is rarely a part of groups
She doesn't really fit in
Yet she is loved

She helps or at least she tries
She wears what she likes and doesn't need makeup to be beautiful
She has learnt to love herself completely
She appreciates her flaws, they make her who she is
She knows a lot of people strive to be her and yet she doesn't change.

I am she.
Are you?

Dear Doctor

(The emblem has been downloaded from the internet.)

Watermelons and mangoes are true summery treats and thankfully my 21 month old enjoys them as much as I do. Summers always meant mangoes, melons, my birthday, holidays and swimming. At least till I went through the summer of 2012.

That was the summer when I lost my first daughter, she would have been almost 4 by now – If she had survived. 

But she did not. She died in my womb at 21+ weeks and stayed dead in me till 25+ weeks (that's when we found out). Her little lifeless body had been decaying  in my womb for almost 4 weeks before we got to know that she was no more. For 28 days I had conversations with a corpse not knowing that it was so, building dreams for almost 672 hours more or less. Thinking of names and telling myself that the worst is over.

The worst- At my 20th week detailed ultrasound the doctor thought that there was something wrong with my baby. We were advised an invasive test which we chose to undergo. We got an appointment for the test a week later. This was anyway too late for an amniocentesis. We were told that there was a 1% chance that we lose a perfectly normal baby because of the test. Like everyone, we too believed that we would never be that 1%. We were wrong.

It was a genetic test and there were 2 reports expected. One, testing a few chromosomes was to come in a week's time and the second, that tested all the chromosomes in 3 weeks. 

Four days of complete bed rest after the test did not help my anxiety about the results. My 30th birthday came before the results did and my family put in a lot of effort to make it special and 'normal' under the given circumstances. They organised a little picnic dinner and my husband planned a day full of surprises, even after being exactly in the same boat as me. 

One week of anxiety later the 1st report came clear. there was nothing genetically wrong with my baby. We were all thrilled and almost relieved as the 1st result was the most important one. The 2nd report followed the same path as the 1st, all was good. We were all happy beyond measure and thought that the worst was behind us. We were thrilled that we were having a perfectly normal healthy baby which we now knew because of the test results.

When I went to collect the reports, the doctor explained everything in detail and said that he would recommend a Fetal Echocardiography, just as the last step for the tests. We were hopeful and sure that there was nothing wrong with the baby, yet we obviously followed the doctor's recommendation and scheduled the Fetal echo at a hospital where I had trained/worked for close to a year.  We knew it was just a tick mark that had to be marked off the list.

On the day of the appointment, we had to wait for a long time before our turn finally came for the echo to begin. A few junior cardiologists along with the senior checked us. They asked me several questions about the baby's movements, like when was the last time I felt them and how often etc. I said I couldn't be sure since this was my first pregnancy but maybe I felt them a few days ago. We were then asked to wait just outside the door. The exam room wasn't a full cabin but merely a semi partition made out of wood. We sat on a bench just outside, completely anxious and trying to overhear the conversation inside the cabin which was a piece of cake considering it was just a partition dividing us. 

We heard-

Doctor 1, accusingly-  "This women can't even tell us when she felt the baby move the last time."
Doctor 2, even more accusingly- "Doesn't she know that her baby doesn't really move?"
Doctor1-"How can she not know anything about her own baby?After all it is inside her!"
Doctor 2- "These so called educated patients can't even give us correct information but they expect correct treatment. "
Doctor 1- "How can a woman not know?"

And that's when I walked out. I wanted to go in and scream at the doctors, telling them that me and my husband weren't deaf. I wanted to tell them that they being doctors did not mean that other humans were lesser or deserved no sensitivity. But my pain and shock of the news were much greater than my anger. My disbelief about what I had just heard was bigger than my humiliation. My tears were faster than my voice and somewhere subconsciously I decided to literally shove what I had just heard into the deep recesses of my mind, to be dealt with later. 

I didn't realise that it was so deep that it would take 4 years to surface. 

As if going through the turmoil that we did for the past month wasn't enough. The uncertainty, the doubts and pain weren't enough, we got humiliation too, that too by the very people whom we trusted with taking care of us. 
So I want to say this to you Dear Doctor-

Dear Doctor(s),

I know you see a hundred patients a day, some even more, and it would be very stressful and tiring. I respect you for all the hard work you have put in to reach where you have. I am thankful for all the help you provide to your patients. I truly believe that your profession gives you an edge over a non-doctor, you know the art and science of saving lives. 

I also know that for some of you apart from the above being true, the patient is just a case, just a file or just a few symptoms on a body. A statistic or just a number but remember that this person is also just a human. They need your help now just like you will need their help later in some other format. 

Patients may be in pain, they may have come to you after getting unhopeful answers from 10 others, still holding on to that one straw of hope that you may provide. Maybe you don't have a cure but at least you must have humility. May be you can't give them a solution but you can show them sensitivity. How you convey a fact changes the way the patient deals with the verdict. If I had heard the same 2 doctors tell me that I had lost the baby almost just after the test and maybe I did not notice the movement because I did not know what to expect, it would have been slightly easier. The pain may not have reduced but I would not be sitting infront of my laptop 4 years hence and still thinking about my experience and still reliving the pain.

I truly believe that you deserve each penny you charge as your fees. There can be no price tag to human life and through your work you save what is priceless. Please charge more if you think you deserve more. As a patient, I would always enquire about your fees and then take an appointment if I find it affordable. 

A fees is fair, no matter what the amount but please don't prescribe unnecessary medicines just because they help you go on an all expense paid exotic holiday at the end of the year. A fees is fair but please don't order tests that are not required just because they give you a percentage out of what I pay the lab. A fees is fair but please don't convert me into a needless referral for your 'friend' because he\she needs a new car. 

Dear doctor I know that your work is very stressful and maybe you don't get time for a personal life. May be you do have a personal life but it suffers a lot because of your work. I can never thank you enough for it. I can not even begin to imagine the kind of sacrifices that you must have made to reach where you are. I know it is tough but please do not punish your patients for it. Please don't let a patient cry in pain when you have what can help him just because the patient or one of his relatives has hurt your ego by asking for a senior doctor. Please understand that the patient and his family are here for your medical expertise. They may or may not be as sophisticated or worldly wise as you.  

Like I said earlier, the human life is priceless. It is extremely precious, each one of our lives. My being monetarily rich or poor should not affect the care and attention you provide to me. Please pay as much attention to my case as you will to a rich man's. 

Please charge for the the work that you do, not just for signing on my discharge summary after your subordinates may or may not have taken care of me.

Dear doctor, please remember that after all, you are too just a human. You will also need medical help sometime in life and imagine if you too go through all that I and others like me did and continue to do. Imagine being in the same boat as me!

Silver

I am lucky to have the silver lines that I do on my tummy
That's because my little sweetheart, you made me a mummy.
Sagging breasts and just no rest,
yet you make me feel that I am the best.
Voice that is kiddish and the language gibberish
I wouldn't dream of giving these conversations a miss.

A 5 minute walking distance could last up to an hour
because you want to collect all the pebbles and smell each flower.
Bath time that lasts several splashes, as you have to clean all the toys
wash their noses and eyelashes, yes, it is one of your ploys.
Peaceful conversations on the phone are just a dream
sometimes you paint my back as I talk and sometimes you scream

Dressing you up seems pointless, you do look like a doll
but given the first opportunity, you remove it all.
Your favorite food is chocolate and you could have it all day
You scream,you shout and test my patience,but my love, I would have it no other way.
Your kisses when you think you have hurt us, are the sweetest there ever were
Each new day with you is precious, my past without you is just a blur.

I remember each day from my past, I recall all that I did,
but when I saw you the first time, deeply in love I slid.
It is fun to play hide and seek even when I know exactly where you are hiding
the thrill,surprise and joy that you express when I find you- are ever so binding.
I am happy to have the dark under my eyes and thankful for each silver line
I live a dream everyday, blessed is this life of mine.

A 'great body'

   

Talking to cousin after a long time felt great. She was asking how my holidays to the beach were and while describing how brilliant they were I asked her if she likes beaches.
'Only people with great bodies like the beaches' she said.

It got me thinking, what are Great bodies? Are the bodies that help us live, in fact the only thing that makes us alive in its literal sense, do they really need to justify themselves? The fact that we are alive isn't enough for it to be a 'great body'? The fact that we taste,smell, smile,laugh, cry, scratch our backs, burp,feel pain, feel pleasure, walk, see, giggle, travel, be happy, get angry, dig our noses, breath through them, get sick and get better, the fact fact that we can do so much and more isn't enough for it to be great!!! It isn't good enough??? Why does it have to be measured in terms of its size shape and color? Why can't we start seeing it as beautiful, period. Since when did we get the audacity to judge our greatest strength and our only instrument to life??

A friend recently shared that she would never leave her home without lipstick and eyeliner. She said she wouldn't feel confident. Another one said that she has to get back to her pre-pregnancy size in order to feel confident again. I, like an idiot forgot to carry my one piece swimming costume, the one that hid my stomach flab and pregnancy stretch marks to our beach holiday. A relative of mine told me that she doesn't wear shorts because she thinks her legs are too fat.

No,I did not just share random facts and feelings of myself and people around me in the above paragraph. I was just giving examples of how ungrateful and  unaccepting we are about what eventually just needs to be "a great body" for it keeps us alive. Why is our sense of confidence dependent on a shade of lipstick on the size of our shirt? I am not saying that it is not good to work on a healthy body, all I am saying is that our obsession with a 'great body' is making us sick in our minds. It is making us more judgmental, critical and ungrateful. We look for acceptance from outside, from the people around us who can't even except or like themselves as they are.

Let's change that now. I declare right here to the world and my friend that I love her, even without her lipstick, even when she wakes up in the morning and is wearing her spectacles instead of contact lenses.
I love my other friend, regardless of her achieving her pre-pregnancy weight or not.
I love my relative with short fat legs.
I love the flab on my tummy and my stretch marks because they mean that my 'great body' produced the greatest miracle it could- my baby.

And I also declare that beaches are for everyone to love.